When I didn't love every minute of it. I had a bit of a rough-go for the first 13 days that Carson was born (my mother remembers the number of days accurately). My mom would see the look of dread in my face when the sun went down (at 4:30, it was December!) But it kept getting easier and now those days are completely overshadowed with the absolute love I have for him.
Am I embarassed of those times? No. Do I think I am not a good mother because I had those feelings? Not anymore.
Last night, friends of ours, who have a beautiful 12 day old baby boy stopped by (actually, we saw them out walking behind our house so told them to come around so we could meet the little guy). She's also going through what I went through. And, Carson was completely planned. I knew I wanted a baby more than anything in the world. This couple, happily married, got pregnant by accident, but were immediately overjoyed with their upcoming addition to the family. Now that he's here, and she's going through what I went through, she has the same thoughts as I did. Am I a bad mom because I don't have that instant love that you read about? I'm a horrible person because I don't completely love nursing. Is there anyway i can turn back time and be a childless couple again?
These moments, no matter how brief, really take a toll on your emotional well being. She also had a C-section, so on top of taking care of this completely dependant little gorgeus baby, you're dealing with recovering from major abdominal surgery. Getting out of bed is hard, getting up from a sitting position is hard.
Anyways, the whole point of this, is I felt good that I could her (and him) in the eyes and be competely honest about my experience. I could say I know what you're going through. And I could say with complete confidence that it goes away. And then you forget that you even felt that way. To not feel bad if other mothers talk about their instant love and how nursing is the best thing in the world. Even if it is to them, that's great for them, but not everyone is the same. In the end, we all do what's best for our children, and for us. A happy mother is the best way to have a happy child.
So rather than being shy or embarassed about how I felt as a new mom, I felt strong being able to tell them what I went through and how I came out shining on the other side. And that's what I find other mothers are best for. To talk to, to listen to, not try to compare, or judge, or show-off, but to be as supportive as we can be.
And this morning I got the sweetest email, telling me how good they both felt after talking to Jeff and I, how they felt that they weren't alone and already she's feeling better. That makes me feel wonderful!